This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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