Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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