Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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