I accidentally burped into my bong.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm sobbing to NWA
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
