The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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