I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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