I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
