I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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