I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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