what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
