He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
