Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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