My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
my liver is dry heaving
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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