Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
not ubering you a puppy
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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