my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
