My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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