She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Sober January is a disaster.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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