come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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