I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
