I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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