??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
did i walk over a car last night?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
