Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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