you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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