There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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