just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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