She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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