toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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