So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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