I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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