I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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