i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
