Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
