im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Duck Duck Cougar?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
