I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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