I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
