She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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