had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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