I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
