I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
