Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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