Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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