Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
