don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
