You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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