Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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