i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
