somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
