If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
