Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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