so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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