I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
In America we eat man semen.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
