Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
