just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
