i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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