I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It's shark week go big or go home
I just gargled with NyQuil
Randomize
