I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
