The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
