I hate your face
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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